We told the kids tonight

[keirgrey]

They realized something was up when I came home, of course. Kids are very perceptive. I ate my dinner then we all sat down.

I started out by saying that they had probably noticed that their mom and I had been fighting a great deal. I was at a loss for words at that point, so I said "Your mother and I are getting divorced."

The reaction was what I expected. My son was stoic, except for the tear down his face. My older daughter cried and the youngest one mimicked her sister.

I explained that they were only involved at the periphery. That we loved them all. That we were still a family, but that the family was changing.

My older daughter asked where they would live. I said that, more than likely, they would live half the time with me, half with their mother. Their mother said that it was up to the lawyers to decide.

I concluded the talk by apologizing. Saying that I wished it were otherwise but that their mother and I couldn't go on together.

:cry:

[RegBarc]

Oh my. That's freaking rough. :(

[mercurial]

Man. I can't imagine how hard that is... :(

[Turtleboy]

T Their mother said that it was up to the lawyers to decide.



It doesn't have to be.

[JustAllie]

I'm sorry, keirgrey. It must be tough for the kids and for you and your wife, too.

The courts don't have to decide if you and your wife can come up with a reasonable arrangement, right? The kids are feeling helpless enough as it is.

[keirgrey]

I know. This is not going to be a pleasant divorce. Not that any of them are pleasant, I'm sure.

Allie, if she and I can come to an arrangement, then no the courts don't have to decide. We'll see how it goes.

[DougF]

I've been thinking of you and your family a lot. It's bad enough that you and your wife are hurting. But when the kids hurt, it stings even more.

I wish you and your family the best. Stay strong.

[betamax]

What a rough night this must be. Hope you two can work most of it out without the courts.

[~Muse]

Very sorry about what you and your family are going through. Having survived both of my mother's failed marriages, the best I can say is to constantly tell your children how much you love them and reinforce it with your actions.

My thoughts are with you and your family and a hope for peace and healing for all of you.

[wendiness]

That was probably the toughest thing you've had to do.

[Jobeth66]

{{Andrew}}

I'm sorry. :(

[bsnelson]

Andrew, I only have a very, very small inkling of what this must have been like, having watched my wife go through this with her ex and kids when the kids were 6 and 7.

While I think you've done great so far, if you're able to talk rationally to your wife about such matters, I'd consider asking her to help have a more "unified" front when discussing things in front of the kids; I'm talking about the "lawyers" comment. That's probably something that was better left unsaid, maybe saying "we're not sure yet, but you'll be spending some of the time with Mommy, and some of the time with Daddy". That's fair to say no matter the outcome, as worst case, someone gets full custody and the other gets weekend/split holiday/summer vacation time.

Other than that small point, you seem to be doing the most important thing, which is assuring them that both Mommy and Daddy still love them very much.

Brad

[scoblitz]

It sounds like it was difficult but as you said, kids are perceptive, and now that things are out in the open with them they can start to deal with the upcoming changes.

Stressing how much you love them is critical right now

[scooterboy]

You were honest and upfront with them and though it hurt, you handled it right.

As I said in your other thread, neither of my parents told me what was going on and I had to ask after the fact. It definitely stuck with me to this day.

Just be there for them and they'll make it through.

[JohnJr]

Kids are nothing if not resiliant. Your post reminded me that my parents divorced when I was 12 or so. (Special circumstances, in my case, maybe.)

Keep the lawyers, except for TB, way, way, way, away, from the kids though. It may be contagious.

-John {continued best of luck, Keir}

[Makita]

Their mother said that it was up to the lawyers to decide.
Oh.Shit.Oh.Dear.

THAT doesn't sound good.
Best of luck, get a good lawyer.

[keirgrey]

'Kita. No, it doesn't. She's throwing statistics around that her lawyer is telling her. "98% of men just get the every other weekend custody because it's more expensive 50/50". She also told me she doesn't want 50/50 because that way she "gets less money".

And so we beat on.

[Gai-jin]

If she doesn't want 50/50, ask for full custody and negotiate down.

[procrastinator]

Before fighting for 50/50, though, Keir need to make sure he really wants it. I mean, does his work schedule support it? Or would he just spend all that much more money paying for childcare for the kids?

(Obviously, I don't know very much about how custody works or how it varies from state to state.)

--Debbie

[JustAllie]

'Kita. No, it doesn't. She's throwing statistics around that her lawyer is telling her. "98% of men just get the every other weekend custody because it's more expensive 50/50". She also told me she doesn't want 50/50 because that way she "gets less money".

And so we beat on.Whoa.

That is just... sad.

:(

[keirgrey]

Before fighting for 50/50, though, Keir need to make sure he really wants it. I mean, does his work schedule support it? Or would he just spend all that much more money paying for childcare for the kids?

(Obviously, I don't know very much about how custody works or how it varies from state to state.)

--DebbieI do. It is a responsibility and a privilege. I will make the necessary arrangements at work.

[keirgrey]

I guess I should put the standard disclaimer here that you are only hearing my side. She has her side where I'm unreasonable.

[Jobeth66]

Um. She gets NO money.

Child support is supposed to go to support the *children*. Not her.

[keirgrey]

Amy: Right, she will get alimony, the child support is for the kids.

[Jobeth66]

Amy: Right, she will get alimony, the child support is for the kids.

So if her concern is for the kids, then the amount of money *she* gets is irrelevant. If you have them 50% (legal & physical) then there is no child support owed, and it affects her alimony not at all. If you have 50% legal, and she has physical with you having visitation, she gets child support - but it still affects her alimony not at all.

So she doesn't get "extra" money if she has physical custody of the children. The *children* would get money. It just set up a red flag on my part, she's already considering any child support money you may pay as "her" money.

I wonder if she's considered YOU getting physical custody, with her getting joint legal. Then she would have to pay YOU child support.

[keirgrey]

Her lawyer tells her that 75% of all statistics are made up!

I've got a very good lawyer who's not going to let me end up living in a box. Nor is she going to let me lose the kids.

[Makita]

Her lawyer tells her that 75% of all statistics are made up!

and you BELEIVE that Statistic?!?!?!?!?!?!?

:laugh:

[keirgrey]

Off the top of my head, 'Kita? NO! :D

[Michael]

I can't imagine what you are going through Andrew. You have my sympathy though. Next week I will celebrate 18 years of marriage to my wife and I am thankful that in all those years, she hasn't figured out that she could do a hell of lot better than me. ;)

[jami]

I'm sorry, Andrew.

Here is an excellent resource for fathers:

http://www.deltabravo.net/

A good starting point:
http://deltabravo.net/custody/survivalguide.php

lots of other articles and advice: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/articles.php

[IndyJones1023]

I can't imagine what you are going through Andrew. You have my sympathy though. Next week I will celebrate 18 years of marriage to my wife and I am thankful that in all those years, she hasn't figured out that she could do a hell of lot better than me. ;)
Hell, I've only read your posts for a few years and I know she could do better than you.

;)

Andrew, PM me if you ever need anything. I got off lucky in my divorce and we did it with no lawyers. I have 50/50 custody currently.

[scoblitz]

I'm sorry, Andrew.

Here is an excellent resource for fathers:

http://www.deltabravo.net/

A good starting point:
http://deltabravo.net/custody/survivalguide.php

lots of other articles and advice: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/articles.php

Another possible resource is this guy - he is all about fathers' rights:

http://www.dadsrights.com/

[craftassistant]

I am very sorry you are going through this! Sounds like you have some great resources available to you.

One thing I would caution, which I am sure you know already, is do not make any promises you can't keep. I have seen so many divorces where that comes back to haunt someone.

As a nanny, I see lots of divorced kids and situations. There are lots of 50/50 families around here in DC. It does work out quite nicley espeically if you have an open door policy at the other parents house during the off week.

Good luck and seek out help if and when you need it!

Alice

[Mysteryman]

To comfort you remember this: As you said, kids are perceptive, after the whole divorce is done they'll still see both parents they love except they won't be fighting. Kids like the no fighting bit. This divorce can be a good thing for them as well. I'm speaking from experience from the kid perspective.

I wish you luck and a speedy divorce.

[Kiyo]

:cry: :cry: :cry:

{{{{HUGS}}}}